I am sitting over at a neighbors house with their dog while people (including my dad and brother) are at my apartment.
My brother just basically lit me up oneside and down another while he, my dad and I were on the couch. He mentioned something about his friend who just lost their dad and said we needed to make sure that all of dad’s stuff was in order. I told him that dad and I talked about it the whole car ride over as that is the topic my father most frequently brings up. I told him that everything had been in order for 7 years and that there was only one thing I needed to look into and could we please not have this discussion now as it was thanksgiving. He proceeded to say that he was In such a better place than he was years ago and things were good. I said I was glad (but I wasn’t smiling). He then made a snarky comment that I couldn’t be happy for him. I said I was happy for him, I was just still paying for his past. He then WENT OFF. He said that was utter bullshit. He said he never asked for anything. He said he already gave me $500. He said “mom would be crying right now over the way I was acting”. I told him not to bring our dead mother into this. He said that he had previously said I could have his Xmas and bday money and when he moved back in with dad we could discuss him giving me money but to forget that. He couldn’t believe I would bring any of this up in front of my friends (who were all sitting at the dinner table in the living room 8 feet away). We weren’t loud but I know some knew what was happening. I told him I didn’t bring it up he did. I tried to avoid the conversation by saying everything was taken care of and could we not discuss it then. He made the “mom” comment again and I got up to start to walk away. He said yupp, walk away that’s all you know how to do. I looked him in the eye and said I’m walking away because I can’t beat the shit out of you in front of my guests. I walked into the bedroom.
My friend liz came in a few minutes later (she was closest and heard it all) and said I needed to try to calm down. That he was a fucking ass and what the hell just happened. I told her he was drunk which he kind of was and that I needed to get the hell out. I needed to either get in the car and just go or something. Honestly for the first time in a long time ending my life flashed before my eyes briefly. I can’t live like this. But instead i got her keys and am laying on her couch while 4 of my neighbors, my dad, my brother and Sandi all have the Friendsgiving we had been planning for months.
I need to go get a Xanax from the apartment or text someone for one as I need something to calm down. Writing this is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane at the moment.
My brother just basically lit me up oneside and down another while he, my dad and I were on the couch. He mentioned something about his friend who just lost their dad and said we needed to make sure that all of dad’s stuff was in order. I told him that dad and I talked about it the whole car ride over as that is the topic my father most frequently brings up. I told him that everything had been in order for 7 years and that there was only one thing I needed to look into and could we please not have this discussion now as it was thanksgiving. He proceeded to say that he was In such a better place than he was years ago and things were good. I said I was glad (but I wasn’t smiling). He then made a snarky comment that I couldn’t be happy for him. I said I was happy for him, I was just still paying for his past. He then WENT OFF. He said that was utter bullshit. He said he never asked for anything. He said he already gave me $500. He said “mom would be crying right now over the way I was acting”. I told him not to bring our dead mother into this. He said that he had previously said I could have his Xmas and bday money and when he moved back in with dad we could discuss him giving me money but to forget that. He couldn’t believe I would bring any of this up in front of my friends (who were all sitting at the dinner table in the living room 8 feet away). We weren’t loud but I know some knew what was happening. I told him I didn’t bring it up he did. I tried to avoid the conversation by saying everything was taken care of and could we not discuss it then. He made the “mom” comment again and I got up to start to walk away. He said yupp, walk away that’s all you know how to do. I looked him in the eye and said I’m walking away because I can’t beat the shit out of you in front of my guests. I walked into the bedroom.
My friend liz came in a few minutes later (she was closest and heard it all) and said I needed to try to calm down. That he was a fucking ass and what the hell just happened. I told her he was drunk which he kind of was and that I needed to get the hell out. I needed to either get in the car and just go or something. Honestly for the first time in a long time ending my life flashed before my eyes briefly. I can’t live like this. But instead i got her keys and am laying on her couch while 4 of my neighbors, my dad, my brother and Sandi all have the Friendsgiving we had been planning for months.
I need to go get a Xanax from the apartment or text someone for one as I need something to calm down. Writing this is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane at the moment.