I have been on this long cycle of just bottling up. Like shaking up a bottle of soda... I feel like I am about to open it and explode. I am afraid to open it as it means saying out loud what I have been feeling in my heart and have been trying to just deal with somehow hoping things would either just go away or somehow just get better or change themselves. Only saying enough to get by.
My depression has truly taken over and even on medication I have seemed to somehow let the depression win. It makes me feel like a complete idiot (for lack of better term) that I fundraiser and speak about raising awareness for suicide prevention all the while in the back of my mind I am struggling myself with this exact thing. I'm a hypocrite. There are days that I simply cannot get out of bed. I can't even force myself to do so. I run through my mind and think of the people that mean something to me. The people whom I would want to leave a letter to if things got bad enough. There are a few. There could be a generic one for most, but certain individuals deserve more because of their impact on my life. A month ago I had to write and sign a one page sentence for my therapist that stated I would not harm myself without talking or contacting her first. I realize it was probably a liability thing as it was a joint session that my depression was really bad and I didn't have much to say. She asked if I thought I should be admitted and I said no. So instead I had to write and sign. Things are at that point again and I have scared myself so I called and have a solo appt tomorrow. Odd thing is we have a joint appt tonight but I don't think my other half knows how hurt and depressed I feel. I think she has blinders on. I guess I don't blame her, perhaps I am just a burden.
So much more to say, but have to go to the appt. maybe I'll try to keep typing just to get things off my own chest.
My depression has truly taken over and even on medication I have seemed to somehow let the depression win. It makes me feel like a complete idiot (for lack of better term) that I fundraiser and speak about raising awareness for suicide prevention all the while in the back of my mind I am struggling myself with this exact thing. I'm a hypocrite. There are days that I simply cannot get out of bed. I can't even force myself to do so. I run through my mind and think of the people that mean something to me. The people whom I would want to leave a letter to if things got bad enough. There are a few. There could be a generic one for most, but certain individuals deserve more because of their impact on my life. A month ago I had to write and sign a one page sentence for my therapist that stated I would not harm myself without talking or contacting her first. I realize it was probably a liability thing as it was a joint session that my depression was really bad and I didn't have much to say. She asked if I thought I should be admitted and I said no. So instead I had to write and sign. Things are at that point again and I have scared myself so I called and have a solo appt tomorrow. Odd thing is we have a joint appt tonight but I don't think my other half knows how hurt and depressed I feel. I think she has blinders on. I guess I don't blame her, perhaps I am just a burden.
So much more to say, but have to go to the appt. maybe I'll try to keep typing just to get things off my own chest.