Solo therapy appointment last night.
We talked about work and how things had gotten better since my coworker had left and how I also changed my attitude at work and have tried to just be a different individual.
I made the comment that I am trying a different approach in general. But that I am sure that I would manage to screw something or everything up. She asked what I meant. I said I felt like I always managed to screw things up, whether it be at home, at work, with friends, etc. That I felt like a screw up a lot. We talked about that for a while trying to figure out why I would feel that way.
She asked if a friend had some something exactly that I had done, would I consider them a screw up, and I said no. She asked if she had done something similar would I consider her a screw up, I said of course not.
She said then there is something buried deep that makes you feel that way. Your past is buried in you and we have talked a lot about some childhood trauma and that I had opened up about things in my past, but there must be things that I have not. I said that there are things that are just better left unsaid and meant to be buried. She asked if I have ever talked about them or ever told anyone and the answer was no. I started to break into a panic attack, leg shaking, starting to get tears in my eyes... and then she just matter of factly asked me the question about what she thought it might be and I just looked at her, with a look that said, how in the world would you have known that?
Then the panic really set in and I proclaimed I didn't wish to talk about it. She went and made me a cup of tea (really nice of her) and gave me time to do a breathing exercise and try to calm down a bit. She said we didn't have to talk about it then, but it had to be discussed at some point in our solo appointment at least. She said she was going to then ask me a few questions and if I could answer them then okay and if not, it was okay. I answered a few and then tried to leave early. She said that was up to me, or I could just sit there and she would get ready for her next appointment and I could just chill there for a few minutes, so that is what I did, and after a few moments started chatting about her son whom I have gotten to know a lot about and was trying to help find a job for, and just had a regular conversation for about 5 minutes and then I was calm enough and time was ending and felt better to leave on that note.
I write this to remember that I need to come back to this and write more. That despite my best efforts of bottling things up for over 30 years and not telling a soul, the silence has now been broken and I fear now I am going to be forced to deal with it. I guess not everything can be buried within us, no matter how hard we try... well maybe some things can.
We talked about work and how things had gotten better since my coworker had left and how I also changed my attitude at work and have tried to just be a different individual.
I made the comment that I am trying a different approach in general. But that I am sure that I would manage to screw something or everything up. She asked what I meant. I said I felt like I always managed to screw things up, whether it be at home, at work, with friends, etc. That I felt like a screw up a lot. We talked about that for a while trying to figure out why I would feel that way.
She asked if a friend had some something exactly that I had done, would I consider them a screw up, and I said no. She asked if she had done something similar would I consider her a screw up, I said of course not.
She said then there is something buried deep that makes you feel that way. Your past is buried in you and we have talked a lot about some childhood trauma and that I had opened up about things in my past, but there must be things that I have not. I said that there are things that are just better left unsaid and meant to be buried. She asked if I have ever talked about them or ever told anyone and the answer was no. I started to break into a panic attack, leg shaking, starting to get tears in my eyes... and then she just matter of factly asked me the question about what she thought it might be and I just looked at her, with a look that said, how in the world would you have known that?
Then the panic really set in and I proclaimed I didn't wish to talk about it. She went and made me a cup of tea (really nice of her) and gave me time to do a breathing exercise and try to calm down a bit. She said we didn't have to talk about it then, but it had to be discussed at some point in our solo appointment at least. She said she was going to then ask me a few questions and if I could answer them then okay and if not, it was okay. I answered a few and then tried to leave early. She said that was up to me, or I could just sit there and she would get ready for her next appointment and I could just chill there for a few minutes, so that is what I did, and after a few moments started chatting about her son whom I have gotten to know a lot about and was trying to help find a job for, and just had a regular conversation for about 5 minutes and then I was calm enough and time was ending and felt better to leave on that note.
I write this to remember that I need to come back to this and write more. That despite my best efforts of bottling things up for over 30 years and not telling a soul, the silence has now been broken and I fear now I am going to be forced to deal with it. I guess not everything can be buried within us, no matter how hard we try... well maybe some things can.